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The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things that human beings experience. Each person’s internal nervous system response to their loss is unique. Those who have been there know, it is not possible to “fix” the pain, the only way to process it is to feel it. Over the years many clever people have tried to find an answer about “how to grieve”, but grief is as unique as a fingerprint or a snowflake - so there is no one set way to grieve. The right way is the way that works for you.
If your world has been plunged upside down by grief…
If you’ve experienced heartbreaking loss and if your life now feels overwhelming and chaotic…
Here are some words from a young widow eight years into her grief about what makes grief so hard to navigate and how can you Give Yourself Grace and learn to grow life around the grief:
What makes grief so hard to navigate?
Three things which can make grief hard to navigate are:
1. Grief is unique - Although some clever people over the years have put forward possible ’stages of grief’, there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for grief. There are common emotions, such as denial, anger, depression and sadness, but what works for one person may not work for another. Similar to the lack of a set ‘journey’ that you might travel along, there is no time line for the feelings which bubble up in grief. Some people might feel stuck in their grief for sometime, others may appear to be coping brilliantly after a short period of time. The emotions that we feel are as original as the relationship we had with what we have lost.
2. Grief does not easily heal in isolation - It is a natural reaction to grief to shut oneself away, bereaved individuals can be fearful of being perceived as ‘moaning’ and they may worry that people might abandon them… but us humans are social beings and we thrive when we connect with people who “get it”. So, it is just as we want to shut ourselves away and spare people witnessing our pain… that’s exactly the point we should be reaching out for help and support from the community around us. People want to help and support us, and sometimes we need to learn how to let them do so.
3. Processing grief can involve processing trauma - The death of a loved one is a heartbreakingly painful thing to experience and it can fundamentally change a person. Contrary to popular understanding, trauma is not just the external event. Trauma is the internal disturbance that occurs within a person as a result of the external event. This means that grieving people who are feeling the effects of trauma can find that they become hyper-vigilant and threat sensitive. Sometimes that reaction is not a cognitive one, it’s a physical response from the body which needs to learn how to self soothe and to trust that it is now safe.
How do bereaved people Give Themselves Grace and learn to grow life around grief?
There are three things that might help people in grief to learn to Give themselves Grace and grow a new and beautiful life around the loss:
- Connection and story-telling - There is a magic to story-telling, both for the story-teller who has the opportunity to process things each time they recount what happened, and for the listener or reader who gains understanding and possibly has their own emotions, thoughts and feelings validated and normalised. If it is not possible to find a “tribe”, professionals are always there to support with your grief.
- Taking care of the basic needs - When life becomes busy and/or chaotic it can be easy to forget the importance of the basic needs of good sleep, plenty of water, healthy food, time outside, intimacy and a warm safe home… these are not luxuries, they are vital human needs! Sometimes being able to get quality sleep can be a huge first step to help clear the mind and providing energy to face each new day.
- Self compassion - It’s all to easy to be ones’ own harshest critic, especially if the person who died was the rock who was the safe non-judgmental support in tricky times. The most important lesson in how to Give Ourselves Grace is this last one… learning how to be our own internal compassionate parent… learning how to nourish, nurture, protect and cherish ourselves. Becoming an expert in your own TLC (tender loving care), even in those times when you don’t feel that you deserve it, means that you will always be well looked after.
Sadly, death is something that will touch us all. And, although you may at times feel cripplingly lonely, you are not alone. If you have been bereaved and anything in this article brings emotions bubbling to the surface, please reach out for help. Cruse (https://www.cruse.org.uk) is a UK national charity providing bereavement support and there are other support groups, charities and organisations who can help. If you’d like to read more about the author’s own bereavement and her Rainbow Hunting grief coaching business, please visit Emma’s website at: www.rainbowhunting.co.uk.
The death of a loved one is one of the hardest things that human beings experience. Each person’s internal nervous system response to their loss is unique. Those who have been there know, it is not possible to “fix” the pain, the only way to process it is to feel it. Over the years many clever people have tried to find an answer about “how to grieve”, but grief is as unique as a fingerprint or a snowflake - so there is no one set way to grieve. The right way is the way that works for you.
If your world has been plunged upside down by grief…
If you’ve experienced heartbreaking loss and if your life now feels overwhelming and chaotic…
Here are some words from a young widow eight years into her grief about what makes grief so hard to navigate and how can you Give Yourself Grace and learn to grow life around the grief:
What makes grief so hard to navigate?
Three things which can make grief hard to navigate are:
1. Grief is unique - Although some clever people over the years have put forward possible ’stages of grief’, there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for grief. There are common emotions, such as denial, anger, depression and sadness, but what works for one person may not work for another. Similar to the lack of a set ‘journey’ that you might travel along, there is no time line for the feelings which bubble up in grief. Some people might feel stuck in their grief for sometime, others may appear to be coping brilliantly after a short period of time. The emotions that we feel are as original as the relationship we had with what we have lost.
2. Grief does not easily heal in isolation - It is a natural reaction to grief to shut oneself away, bereaved individuals can be fearful of being perceived as ‘moaning’ and they may worry that people might abandon them… but us humans are social beings and we thrive when we connect with people who “get it”. So, it is just as we want to shut ourselves away and spare people witnessing our pain… that’s exactly the point we should be reaching out for help and support from the community around us. People want to help and support us, and sometimes we need to learn how to let them do so.
3. Processing grief can involve processing trauma - The death of a loved one is a heartbreakingly painful thing to experience and it can fundamentally change a person. Contrary to popular understanding, trauma is not just the external event. Trauma is the internal disturbance that occurs within a person as a result of the external event. This means that grieving people who are feeling the effects of trauma can find that they become hyper-vigilant and threat sensitive. Sometimes that reaction is not a cognitive one, it’s a physical response from the body which needs to learn how to self soothe and to trust that it is now safe.
How do bereaved people Give Themselves Grace and learn to grow life around grief?
There are three things that might help people in grief to learn to Give themselves Grace and grow a new and beautiful life around the loss:
- Connection and story-telling - There is a magic to story-telling, both for the story-teller who has the opportunity to process things each time they recount what happened, and for the listener or reader who gains understanding and possibly has their own emotions, thoughts and feelings validated and normalised. If it is not possible to find a “tribe”, professionals are always there to support with your grief.
- Taking care of the basic needs - When life becomes busy and/or chaotic it can be easy to forget the importance of the basic needs of good sleep, plenty of water, healthy food, time outside, intimacy and a warm safe home… these are not luxuries, they are vital human needs! Sometimes being able to get quality sleep can be a huge first step to help clear the mind and providing energy to face each new day.
- Self compassion - It’s all to easy to be ones’ own harshest critic, especially if the person who died was the rock who was the safe non-judgmental support in tricky times. The most important lesson in how to Give Ourselves Grace is this last one… learning how to be our own internal compassionate parent… learning how to nourish, nurture, protect and cherish ourselves. Becoming an expert in your own TLC (tender loving care), even in those times when you don’t feel that you deserve it, means that you will always be well looked after.
Sadly, death is something that will touch us all. And, although you may at times feel cripplingly lonely, you are not alone. If you have been bereaved and anything in this article brings emotions bubbling to the surface, please reach out for help. Cruse (https://www.cruse.org.uk) is a UK national charity providing bereavement support and there are other support groups, charities and organisations who can help. If you’d like to read more about the author’s own bereavement and her Rainbow Hunting grief coaching business, please visit Emma’s website at: www.rainbowhunting.co.uk.
